Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

Take It Or Leave It

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This entry was posted on 10/22/2011 6:50 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics.


              The eyes of the woman seated on my office couch brimmed with tears. At my request her husband left the room for a few minutes.This was their third mediation session and they'd been making steady progress, inch by inch, working out the terms for ending what had become a joyless marriage.

          The decision to part had not been made lightly. For a time they see-sawed back and forth, and tried with a skilled counselor to reverse the downward slide. But now both seemed sure they were making the right decision. And once that direction was clear, a measure of calm had returned to their home.

          So, I had no reason to believe that their negotiation would not continue to evolve in a positive way, although their property settlement was complicated by the need to assess the worth of the husband's business. They had chosen a valuation expert but he had not yet submitted his report.

          On this day, it became apparent at the outset that the husband's patience was spent. Just moments into the session, he abruptly presented a global settlement proposal and then forcefully said: This is it, take it or leave it!

          His wife was surprised, remained silent, and looked to me for rescue.

          When we were alone, I asked: do you know what brought on this change, the ultimatum?

          She shrugged, but understood my question. She reported that after breakfast that morning, he had opened the invitation to their college reunion which had arrived the day before. Her husband had been a star athlete, the proverbial big man on campus. That was twenty years and thirty pounds ago.

          While he steadily climbed in the corporate world, nothing had matched those glory days. The reunion invitations sometimes triggered a few days of gloom. Now it appeared to have enhanced his "is this all there is" mood, which was, in part, the rationale for ending the marriage. Perhaps, she thought, this was what had sparked his change in  demeanor.

          We explored her choices in light of his having thrown down the gauntlet:

                 1) Reject his proposal outright, which might mean terminating their negotiation.

                2) Present the argument that his position was unreasonable and try to convince him to await the valuation report.

                3) Let his demand pass without comment and help him find a way back to the table.

          After my brief chat alone with the husband, in which he disclosed little, I invited him to return to the room where his wife awaited. He sank heavily into the other end of the couch, his large frame somewhat more relaxed. She turned to face him and said: I'm not sure, but I think I understand how you're feeling.

          The slightest nod of the head from him.

          I shifted to talking about documents that still needed to be collected, and we made a plan for appraising the house. No mention of his edict was made by either of them, or by me.

          The temptation is so great when we are verbally threatened with a "take it or leave it" demand, to respond in kind, sparking further escalation. The emotion that triggers such a thrust may be provoked by a barbed remark or perceived slight during the negotiation. But, sometimes, as was the case here, outside events cause an emotional state that can be ignited by a seemingly innocent comment. Here it had happened so early in our meeting, an outside source seemed likely.

          Meeting an ultimatum by probing to understand the underlying cause, rather than confronting it head on, can preserve the path to eventually reaching agreement. Then taking a short time out and simply evading or side stepping the challenge, allows the belligerent one to calm and save face. Forward motion can then resume.

         As they rose to leave, the wife addressed her husband: Thanks for thinking things through to the point of designing a proposal. Talk it over next time?

          His response: Works for me.

          No smile, but I knew we were back on track.

 
 

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    • 10/22/2011 8:59 AM Ellen Wathen wrote:
      Thank you for an interesting story. The husband seemed so uncommunicative and the wife seemed so nice and understanding. I felt sad that the husband was losing a friend who understood him so thoroughly. As always, thank you for your insights. I always enjoy your blog.
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