Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Mother Always Loved You Best This entry was posted on 12/2/2011 9:53 PM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. The woman's name announced over my office intercom was vaguely familiar. As I lifted the phone, she said: You may not remember me. It's been seven years since I, my mother and my sister worked with you. Now my sister is dying and refuses to see me. Can you help? My failed mediations remain a more vivid memory than my successes, and as soon as she offered this bit of background, I remembered her well. Some years ago, a friend of a friend had called me to ask if I could mediate a problem that was tearing her family apart. Months earlier, having reached the age of eighty-five, she had disclosed to her daughters that she planned to leave her sizable estate to them in equal shares. The older daughter was incensed. Living on the west coast, divorced and without children, she had achieved considerable success in the film industry and was financially secure. Although fully engaged in a demanding career, she maintained close contact with her mother. Her sister, a gifted student in high school and college, married young. She and her professionally trained husband raised five children on a small subsistence farm, home schooling their youngsters and neither had pursued paid employment. The mother lived nearby so witnessed the unmet needs of her younger daughter's family and regularly helped out financially, eventually even paying the college expenses of her grandchildren. A substantial sum, never tallied, had been contributed over many years. The older sister had always accepted her sibling's life choices without rancor, but believed, from comments her mother had made in the past, that in the end a balance would be struck. She expected to receive a larger share of the estate. Now her memory of that commitment was questioned. Family discussions became bitter. The mother wavered. Her every effort to soothe or develop compromise solutions only evoked more anger from one daughter or the other. She was distraught. I agreed to try to help and the three women came to my office. The chill between the sisters, both in their early sixties, was starkly evident. Grim faced, they avoided eye contact and looked past each other even when in the same room. Two lengthy mediation sessions were held but to no avail. Despite developing a number of options that could to some extent address the unequal gifting, the sisters remained positional, both insisting they were standing on principle. The older demanded a year to year accounting of the contributions to the younger and her family. The younger flatly refused to develop such a record, and was adamant there be no change from the plan for equal shares. Each addressed their mother's anxiety and sadness with loving gestures, but no deference. My suggestion that they meet with a family therapist was spurned. I raise a cynical eyebrow when someone says: It's not about the money, just the principle involved. But in these circumstances, it really didn't seem to be about the money. It seemed to be about preferential love, about allowing old childhood jealousies and rivalries for affection and approval to sweep in and supplant mature behavior, even at the expense of the physical and emotional well being of a loved elderly parent. Barring mental incompetence or significant evidence of undue influence, neither suggested here, aren't parents entitled to autonomy and respect for whatever decisions they make about how they choose to use assets during their lifetime, and the disposition of their estate? The story I tell here does not have a happy ending. I learned that the mother had died some years before my being contacted once again, and that she had not changed her plan to leave her estate in equal shares. Since then neither daughter had spoken to the other.Then came news of the younger sister's terminal illness. My offer of intervention at the request of the older sister was not accepted. I try to stand in the shoes of each daughter and wonder why they found it impossible to look beyond the immediate conflict, and make choices less destructive of the family. Is this simply not possible when overwhelmed by the belief that "mother always loved you best"? The older daughter called again before leaving town. The reconciliation she sought had been refused. I did not ask whether she looked back at their bitter contest with regret, but I know the answer. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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